Dear Charlie

* This picture really isn't this old...I just didn't set the date on my camera...dur.

One of the things I've struggled with lately is how to be honest with my daughter, yet still keep things age appropriate. It's just me and her now. I want to keep a very open relationship with her and above all I want to make sure she knows that she can trust me. I've been very careful not to lie to her about her father's death, but at the same time I haven't been completely open with her. I can't. Someday I will have to find a way to explain to her that he chose to take his own life, I just don't think that at three she is ready to understand that. I've tried to figure out how to balance it all and I've come up with a compromise of sorts. While I don't think my idea is completely original (I think I have heard bits and pieces of others with similar ideas), I still maintain that the idea is pretty kick ass.

I've always like to journal and blog, so I am going to use it to my advantage. I'm going to start a new journal. I'm calling it "Dear Charlie." I'm going to write letters to her in hopes that someday she can read them and it will give us both a starting ground to talk about all the things life throws at you. I can tell her what I am going through right now...how I am feeling about things right now. Then, someday, when she is ready to understand, it will give her insight and remind me of how I was feeling "back then". I want to tell her about my college experiences...yes, even some of the not so proud moments, in hopes that she learns from them. And even if she doesn't learn from them, at least she will know that her mom did some really dumb things, so there isn't anything she should ever be ashamed to come to me about. I want to tell her how much she amazes me on a day basis, so that when she's older and goes through moments (hopefully short ones) of hating me, she'll have a reminder of how much I truly care. I want to write little snippets of happy or funny memories so that one day we can both look back and laugh and reminisce together.

There's another reason for all of this. I keep struggling with how I didn't really know my husband. I honestly don't know how he felt about me. I don't understand what he was going through or what he was feeling up to point where he decided that it just wasn't worth going on. It kills me. Someday my daughter is going to struggle with that too. She is going to wonder, like I do, why he didn't love us enough to stay with us. I know, I know...that's not the right way to look at it and you really can't take it that way. Right or wrong, it fucks with you just the same. I need her to know, that while I can't give her the answers to explain what was going on in her dad's head, I can leave her with undeniable proof that her mom loves her more than anything. If, God forbid, something would ever happen to me to take me from this world before my daughter is old enough to know that, I want to leave her with my words. My words letting her know just how smart, beautiful, loving and amazing she truly is. My words reminding her that I love her more than I ever knew it possible to love someone. I want to leave her with my hopes and dreams for her. I want to leave her advice in case I'm not here to give it.

I hope I have years and years to write these letters to her and I hope that one day we will get the chance to read them together. 

How

How can you love someone and hate someone so much all at the same time?

How can you act so strong on the outside that everyone else believes it (even yourself most days), even though you are dying on the inside?

How can you mourn someone that betrayed you? Even though a part of you hates them, deep down you know that you still love them(and somehow you hate yourself for hating them and hate yourself for loving them...all at the same time.

How do you know who to turn to when the one person you want to talk to, need to talk to, is gone?

It's been a rough day. I've been sick for a week (hence the lack of posting). It's been almost 6 months that he's been gone. It seems like it's been a lifetime and yet it feels like it was yesterday. I was so angry at first that I couldn't cry. I was ashamed that I couldn't be sad. Now I am sad and I feel stupid to cry over someone who wronged me in so many ways. No matter what emotion I am feeling (and there are about 100 different ones a day), I feel like it is wrong. I'm all over the place. I feel torn and broken. I am turning to all the wrong things in hope of distraction from the emotions I don't know how to face. I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. If I wasn't sick I would probably go out and find someone to distract me, but I just don't have the energy. So instead I am sitting here being haunted by me.

The Back Story

I'm not even sure where to begin. I started this blog shortly after getting married. I've talked about my hubby, his kids from his first marriage and then about the arrival of our own daughter (along with all kinds of other random stuff). Then life happened. I got busy. I got wrapped up in my life and quit blogging. I was raising three kids, working full time and trying to do all the other things in life that we all do. During that time, things got kinda rough around here. Hubby bounced from job to job. Money was tight, but there was always a wealth of stress to go around. I don't know when the marriage fell apart, but if I am brutally honest I guess the problems were there from the beginning, I just didn't want to see them. On the outside we looked like the perfect family; nice house, cute kids and oh so in love. Eh, how the mind can deceive.

Looking back there were always signs. Signs I subconsciously chose to ignore. Sometimes I feel like I was in a fantasy world where nothing was real. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl and now I just feel dumb. I mean some of the signs were BIG. In flashing neon.

Without going into more detail then you need or want to know, here's how it all played out in the end. In October 2010, I found out that hubby cheated on me. With someone I know. 10+ years our junior. I left that night with my daughter to stay with a friend. When I couldn't get a hold of him on his phone the next day, I sent my friend's hubby (also my hubby's best friend) to go talk to him. What he found was something no one should have to find.

Now I am left trying to muddle through the hand I've been dealt. It's been almost 5 months and I am starting to feel like I am coming out of the fog. Not completely, but at least it is a start. I can't explain the roller coaster of emotions I have on a daily basis. Everyone deals with loss and every one's experience is unique, but I haven't been able to find anyone who has been through something like this. I know they are out there, but I haven't come across them yet. I'd like to though.

I think I'll leave it at that for now. I just thought you should know some history to be able to fully understand upcoming posts. Don't fret though...I am not all gloom and doom. Like I said, I am starting to get my life back together. And even though a part of me feels hurt and jaded, I think I am still a glass half full kind of girl at heart. My posts are not all going to center around this event in my life. I want it to be about moving forward and finding myself again. Me as a whole and not as someone else's half. I want to post about the good stuff in life; the funny and the ridiculous; the stuff that pisses me off. (and as I venture back into the murky dating waters again, I am sure that I will have plenty of material)