What's Missing Tells More

They say that the contents of a woman's purse says a lot about her.  Mama Kat's writing prompt this week was to tell what the contents of your purse say about you.  I started to write about this and decided that it just wasn't very insightful.  The contents of my purse are pretty sparse and predictable.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the things NOT in my purse say a lot more about me.

What's missing...

1.  Tissues and Wet Wipes.  I'm a mom and I should have these things, but I don't.  What's worse is that I know I will need them and I still neglect to put them in.  I don't know why...no clue.  For crying out loud, my mom has Wet Wipes in her purse and she doesn't even have a toddler.  Whenever I am out with my mom and my child, I have to ask her for Wet Wipes for my kid.  Fail.  Sadly, this is very typical of me.  I am just not a prepared sort of girl.  I figure that anywhere I go there is bound to be a bathroom with papertowels and water.  Maybe this is why I was a girl scout drop out.

2.  Credit Cards.  Yup, not a one.  I got myself into trouble with credit cards and I have since sliced and diced them all.  The closest thing I have is my debit card.  I'm actually pretty proud of this even though it means I have missed out on some great purchases.  I'm not good at self discipline and I am a compusive shopper, so this goes in the win category.

3.  Toys, games, ect.  Once again, I'm just not very prepared.  I know there are times when they would be nice to keep the little one occupied, but I just don't do it.  Part of it is because I just don't like having a 30 pound purse, part of it is because I am a slacker. 

4.  Medicine.  You would think I would learn to keep some Tylenol in there, but I never do.  But hey, if I get a headache I'm sure my mom has some in her purse.

5.  Makeup.  Not because I don't need it, but because I just don't have time to mess with it when I am out.  Oh, I may have some chapstick, but that is all.  I am a horse girl.  I live on the farm and don't wear make up everyday.  It's not because I am self confident, it's because I just don't have the time to care most days. 

6.  Money.  This one just sucks.

7.  A Calendar.  I used to have one, now I have my blackberry and without it I would be completely lost.  It's a little crazy how much I rely on that thing.  I'm not sure I would know any of my friends' numbers without it.  I certainly wouldn't know when or where I was supposed to be most days.  It's a crutch and I've come to terms with that.

So there you have it, I'm an unprepared slacker.  In reality, my purse has very little in it and most days I just grab my wallet and leave my purse behind.  On the other hand, I could live for a week out of what is in my car...it has EVERYTHING stashed in it.  I don't really know what all this says about me...maybe I need to take my purse to therapy and have it's contents (or lack thereof) analyzed by a professional.

Back on the Main Land

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but I was out of town and then recovering from being out of town.  Charlie and I went to Hawaii for one of my best friend's wedding.  It was an amazing trip!  I had planned on going on this trip since it was first offered almost 9 months ago, but with all the recent events in my life I wasn't sure I would still go.  In the end, I opted to go and to take Charlie along with me.  I was worried about the long trip there and back with a 3 1/2 year old.  I don't travel much and I have only flown twice in my life...once for my senior year spring break and once for my honeymoon.  Taking a 14 hour trip across country with my daughter was a scary, yet exciting thought.

I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing.  My parents tried and tried to convince me to leave Charlie with them and go on my own, but the thought of being that far from her was paralyzing.  Not only that, but I really wanted us to have the experience together.  I was terrified, but the fear was all for nothing.  We had a fantastic time and the traveling, while somewhat never-racking, was quite smooth.  My little girl was a champ on all the flights (6 in all) and I managed to keep track of her and our luggage without losing my sanity. 

I can't even begin to describe all the amazing things that happened on our trip, but it was an experience I will never forget.  Besides, if I do forget any of it, I have a couple hundred pictures to remind me.  I won't bore you with all the flowery descriptions and details of everything we did, but I will say this...Hawaii is by far the most beautiful place I have ever been in my life.  It is the closest thing to paradise I can even imagine.  I would go back in a heartbeat (if I could afford it). 

In the end, it turned out to be a priceless experience for me.  I feel somewhat empowered by it all.  I am a newly single mom and I live very close to my friends and family.  I am lucky to have such a strong support group so close by, but sometimes it leaves me feeling dependant.  Sometimes I question my ability to be a good mom without having to constantly lean on others.  This trip made me realize that I can do things on my own and be quite competent.  Was I nervous?  SHIT YES.  Did we survive?  Of course.  Did we rock Hawaii and have a great time?  HELLS TO THE YEAH!!

I'm Outta Here!

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but my internet has been down.  I hope you all are doing well.  I will be on hiatus for a bit, but I promise to be back soon and post all the details! 

Mission Accomplished

# 7....completed.

Hallelujah! 

Glowing.

Dear Charlie

* This picture really isn't this old...I just didn't set the date on my camera...dur.

One of the things I've struggled with lately is how to be honest with my daughter, yet still keep things age appropriate. It's just me and her now. I want to keep a very open relationship with her and above all I want to make sure she knows that she can trust me. I've been very careful not to lie to her about her father's death, but at the same time I haven't been completely open with her. I can't. Someday I will have to find a way to explain to her that he chose to take his own life, I just don't think that at three she is ready to understand that. I've tried to figure out how to balance it all and I've come up with a compromise of sorts. While I don't think my idea is completely original (I think I have heard bits and pieces of others with similar ideas), I still maintain that the idea is pretty kick ass.

I've always like to journal and blog, so I am going to use it to my advantage. I'm going to start a new journal. I'm calling it "Dear Charlie." I'm going to write letters to her in hopes that someday she can read them and it will give us both a starting ground to talk about all the things life throws at you. I can tell her what I am going through right now...how I am feeling about things right now. Then, someday, when she is ready to understand, it will give her insight and remind me of how I was feeling "back then". I want to tell her about my college experiences...yes, even some of the not so proud moments, in hopes that she learns from them. And even if she doesn't learn from them, at least she will know that her mom did some really dumb things, so there isn't anything she should ever be ashamed to come to me about. I want to tell her how much she amazes me on a day basis, so that when she's older and goes through moments (hopefully short ones) of hating me, she'll have a reminder of how much I truly care. I want to write little snippets of happy or funny memories so that one day we can both look back and laugh and reminisce together.

There's another reason for all of this. I keep struggling with how I didn't really know my husband. I honestly don't know how he felt about me. I don't understand what he was going through or what he was feeling up to point where he decided that it just wasn't worth going on. It kills me. Someday my daughter is going to struggle with that too. She is going to wonder, like I do, why he didn't love us enough to stay with us. I know, I know...that's not the right way to look at it and you really can't take it that way. Right or wrong, it fucks with you just the same. I need her to know, that while I can't give her the answers to explain what was going on in her dad's head, I can leave her with undeniable proof that her mom loves her more than anything. If, God forbid, something would ever happen to me to take me from this world before my daughter is old enough to know that, I want to leave her with my words. My words letting her know just how smart, beautiful, loving and amazing she truly is. My words reminding her that I love her more than I ever knew it possible to love someone. I want to leave her with my hopes and dreams for her. I want to leave her advice in case I'm not here to give it.

I hope I have years and years to write these letters to her and I hope that one day we will get the chance to read them together. 

How

How can you love someone and hate someone so much all at the same time?

How can you act so strong on the outside that everyone else believes it (even yourself most days), even though you are dying on the inside?

How can you mourn someone that betrayed you? Even though a part of you hates them, deep down you know that you still love them(and somehow you hate yourself for hating them and hate yourself for loving them...all at the same time.

How do you know who to turn to when the one person you want to talk to, need to talk to, is gone?

It's been a rough day. I've been sick for a week (hence the lack of posting). It's been almost 6 months that he's been gone. It seems like it's been a lifetime and yet it feels like it was yesterday. I was so angry at first that I couldn't cry. I was ashamed that I couldn't be sad. Now I am sad and I feel stupid to cry over someone who wronged me in so many ways. No matter what emotion I am feeling (and there are about 100 different ones a day), I feel like it is wrong. I'm all over the place. I feel torn and broken. I am turning to all the wrong things in hope of distraction from the emotions I don't know how to face. I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. If I wasn't sick I would probably go out and find someone to distract me, but I just don't have the energy. So instead I am sitting here being haunted by me.

Back Off My Taco!!

Pardon me while I bitch about stupidity for a bit. I heard about yet another lawsuit against a fast food restaurant and it really just pisses me off. We all have heard about the lady who sued McDonalds because her coffee was too hot and the more recent lawsuit over happy meals. I think these (along with a long list of others) are just ridiculous. But now people have pushed me too far. They are messing with one of my favorite late night stops.

Taco Bell

I do love me some Taco Bell.

Now my beloved source of cheap, yet oh so delicious, tacos is being sued over the quality of ingredients in their food. WTF?!?!

Basically, some douche bag well meaning citizen is suing Taco Bell because they claim that their menu items contain beef when, in reality, the beef has so many fillers that it does not meet USDA requirements. See details here.

Are you freaking kidding me? Can we all just say "DUH".

Okay, let's think rationally about this. Their menu items start at $.89 and they don't have anything priced over $3. What exactly do you expect on such a budget? Do you think that something priced so ridiculously cheap is really a quality product? Frankly, I don't care about the quality of beef in my taco. It tastes FANTASTIC. If you want quality, pony up the money and go to a real restaurant. Or better yet, cook your own food.

I'm begging here...stop this nonsense. Here's the deal...this lawsuit, win or lose, is going to cost Taco Bell money. They have to pay for lawyers, settlements and then advertising to fix their public image. We all know what happens next. Who is going to pay for this? Me. That's right. Next thing you know, the price of 4am tacos will go up and my late night craving will cost me extra coin. Another possibility is that they will increase the quality of their product and the price will skyrocket.

I don't want a quality taco...I want my .$99 taco just the way it is.