Monday, February 28, 2011

Over-imagination and my 4:00am Visitor

I'll admit it up front...I'm kind of a chicken. I hate being alone at night. Ever since I was a little girl, I hated being alone at night. Every creak and noise caused me to freeze in my bed, terrified of what was lurking just outside my door. I never really outgrew it.

Over the past few months I have been adjusting quite well to living without another adult in the household. I have been able to sleep at night, haven't gotten scared and pretty much have started to feel a little bit like a bad ass.

Until last night.

Last night it stormed. A lot. The daughter and I drove home late from a friend's house and it was just an eerie sort of night. Lots of thunder and lightening and creepy, patchy fog. We got home a little after ten and the house was dark. I don't mind storms, but I HATE coming home to a dark house. Hate it. The wee one hates thunder more than I hate dark houses. It reduces her to a quivering, scared little mouse. Needless to say, we both ended up in my bed. Her cowering under the covers and me trying to soothe her and play protector from the angry skies.

I must have been pretty convincing because it didn't take long for her to fall asleep. I curled up beside her with a book and waited for sleep to overtake me.

It wasn't happening.

I couldn't fall asleep. I don't know if it was the change in temperature or the moisture, but my house was creaking like an eighty year old's joints. It sounded like people were walking all over outside my door. I KNEW that it was just house noises. I KNEW this. Yet for some reason, fear and irrational thought overtook me and I found myself with the covers up to my chin, eyes wide open, almost paralyzed in fear. This went on for hours. I just couldn't turn it off and even worse, the longer I lay there, the worse the fear got. So I did what any self-respecting, bad ass girl would do.

I called my daddy.

Like a 7 year old needing someone to check under the bed and in the closet. I know, pathetic right? Don't answer....I know.

But you know what? He came and everything was fine (which logically, I knew). Was he mad that I woke him up at some insane hour? Not at all. He even insisted of sleeping on my couch the rest of the night so I could get some sleep. Now granted he lives next door, so I didn't drag him from far away, but it was 4am and I am sure that it wasn't on the top of his list of things to do.

So today I am feeling a little sleep deprived, embarassed and a whole lot less like a bad ass, but I am feeling very lucky and very loved. Even so, next time I'll just leave more lights on.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Back Story

I'm not even sure where to begin. I started this blog shortly after getting married. I've talked about my hubby, his kids from his first marriage and then about the arrival of our own daughter (along with all kinds of other random stuff). Then life happened. I got busy. I got wrapped up in my life and quit blogging. I was raising three kids, working full time and trying to do all the other things in life that we all do. During that time, things got kinda rough around here. Hubby bounced from job to job. Money was tight, but there was always a wealth of stress to go around. I don't know when the marriage fell apart, but if I am brutally honest I guess the problems were there from the beginning, I just didn't want to see them. On the outside we looked like the perfect family; nice house, cute kids and oh so in love. Eh, how the mind can deceive.

Looking back there were always signs. Signs I subconsciously chose to ignore. Sometimes I feel like I was in a fantasy world where nothing was real. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl and now I just feel dumb. I mean some of the signs were BIG. In flashing neon.

Without going into more detail then you need or want to know, here's how it all played out in the end. In October 2010, I found out that hubby cheated on me. With someone I know. 10+ years our junior. I left that night with my daughter to stay with a friend. When I couldn't get a hold of him on his phone the next day, I sent my friend's hubby (also my hubby's best friend) to go talk to him. What he found was something no one should have to find.

Now I am left trying to muddle through the hand I've been dealt. It's been almost 5 months and I am starting to feel like I am coming out of the fog. Not completely, but at least it is a start. I can't explain the roller coaster of emotions I have on a daily basis. Everyone deals with loss and every one's experience is unique, but I haven't been able to find anyone who has been through something like this. I know they are out there, but I haven't come across them yet. I'd like to though.

I think I'll leave it at that for now. I just thought you should know some history to be able to fully understand upcoming posts. Don't fret though...I am not all gloom and doom. Like I said, I am starting to get my life back together. And even though a part of me feels hurt and jaded, I think I am still a glass half full kind of girl at heart. My posts are not all going to center around this event in my life. I want it to be about moving forward and finding myself again. Me as a whole and not as someone else's half. I want to post about the good stuff in life; the funny and the ridiculous; the stuff that pisses me off. (and as I venture back into the murky dating waters again, I am sure that I will have plenty of material)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Changed My Mind

Well, I was planning on starting a new blog but I spent two hours trying to come up with a name for it and got nowhere. I decided that there isn't really any reason to start over. I edited this one a bit and will just start adding to this one. What can I say? I'm lazy.

If you've been here before, you know that I am pretty random with my posts. I usually just write whatever happens to be bouncing around in my head. I MAY try to be a little more organized this time around...then again, probably not. I try to write fun or thought provoking posts and in the past I have tried not to make my posts too "diary" like. I think that may change a bit. Recent events in my life have been pretty dramatic. I've been faced with things I never thought I would experience and I think I need to share them here. I hope you will hang around and give me a chance.

Check back soon for my next post...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

New Venture

Just a quick post....

My life has been turned upside down by recent events...I am going to start a new blog very soon...I am hoping my former followers will check out the new blog as soon as I have it up and running. Check back soon for details.

Dig in...