Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'm Outta Here!

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but my internet has been down.  I hope you all are doing well.  I will be on hiatus for a bit, but I promise to be back soon and post all the details! 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Mission Accomplished

# 7....completed.



Monday, March 14, 2011

Dear Charlie

* This picture really isn't this old...I just didn't set the date on my camera...dur.

One of the things I've struggled with lately is how to be honest with my daughter, yet still keep things age appropriate. It's just me and her now. I want to keep a very open relationship with her and above all I want to make sure she knows that she can trust me. I've been very careful not to lie to her about her father's death, but at the same time I haven't been completely open with her. I can't. Someday I will have to find a way to explain to her that he chose to take his own life, I just don't think that at three she is ready to understand that. I've tried to figure out how to balance it all and I've come up with a compromise of sorts. While I don't think my idea is completely original (I think I have heard bits and pieces of others with similar ideas), I still maintain that the idea is pretty kick ass.

I've always like to journal and blog, so I am going to use it to my advantage. I'm going to start a new journal. I'm calling it "Dear Charlie." I'm going to write letters to her in hopes that someday she can read them and it will give us both a starting ground to talk about all the things life throws at you. I can tell her what I am going through right now...how I am feeling about things right now. Then, someday, when she is ready to understand, it will give her insight and remind me of how I was feeling "back then". I want to tell her about my college experiences...yes, even some of the not so proud moments, in hopes that she learns from them. And even if she doesn't learn from them, at least she will know that her mom did some really dumb things, so there isn't anything she should ever be ashamed to come to me about. I want to tell her how much she amazes me on a day basis, so that when she's older and goes through moments (hopefully short ones) of hating me, she'll have a reminder of how much I truly care. I want to write little snippets of happy or funny memories so that one day we can both look back and laugh and reminisce together.

There's another reason for all of this. I keep struggling with how I didn't really know my husband. I honestly don't know how he felt about me. I don't understand what he was going through or what he was feeling up to point where he decided that it just wasn't worth going on. It kills me. Someday my daughter is going to struggle with that too. She is going to wonder, like I do, why he didn't love us enough to stay with us. I know, I know...that's not the right way to look at it and you really can't take it that way. Right or wrong, it fucks with you just the same. I need her to know, that while I can't give her the answers to explain what was going on in her dad's head, I can leave her with undeniable proof that her mom loves her more than anything. If, God forbid, something would ever happen to me to take me from this world before my daughter is old enough to know that, I want to leave her with my words. My words letting her know just how smart, beautiful, loving and amazing she truly is. My words reminding her that I love her more than I ever knew it possible to love someone. I want to leave her with my hopes and dreams for her. I want to leave her advice in case I'm not here to give it.

I hope I have years and years to write these letters to her and I hope that one day we will get the chance to read them together. 

Sunday, March 13, 2011


How can you love someone and hate someone so much all at the same time?

How can you act so strong on the outside that everyone else believes it (even yourself most days), even though you are dying on the inside?

How can you mourn someone that betrayed you? Even though a part of you hates them, deep down you know that you still love them(and somehow you hate yourself for hating them and hate yourself for loving them...all at the same time.

How do you know who to turn to when the one person you want to talk to, need to talk to, is gone?

It's been a rough day. I've been sick for a week (hence the lack of posting). It's been almost 6 months that he's been gone. It seems like it's been a lifetime and yet it feels like it was yesterday. I was so angry at first that I couldn't cry. I was ashamed that I couldn't be sad. Now I am sad and I feel stupid to cry over someone who wronged me in so many ways. No matter what emotion I am feeling (and there are about 100 different ones a day), I feel like it is wrong. I'm all over the place. I feel torn and broken. I am turning to all the wrong things in hope of distraction from the emotions I don't know how to face. I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. If I wasn't sick I would probably go out and find someone to distract me, but I just don't have the energy. So instead I am sitting here being haunted by me.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Back Off My Taco!!

Pardon me while I bitch about stupidity for a bit. I heard about yet another lawsuit against a fast food restaurant and it really just pisses me off. We all have heard about the lady who sued McDonalds because her coffee was too hot and the more recent lawsuit over happy meals. I think these (along with a long list of others) are just ridiculous. But now people have pushed me too far. They are messing with one of my favorite late night stops.

Taco Bell

I do love me some Taco Bell.

Now my beloved source of cheap, yet oh so delicious, tacos is being sued over the quality of ingredients in their food. WTF?!?!

Basically, some douche bag well meaning citizen is suing Taco Bell because they claim that their menu items contain beef when, in reality, the beef has so many fillers that it does not meet USDA requirements. See details here.

Are you freaking kidding me? Can we all just say "DUH".

Okay, let's think rationally about this. Their menu items start at $.89 and they don't have anything priced over $3. What exactly do you expect on such a budget? Do you think that something priced so ridiculously cheap is really a quality product? Frankly, I don't care about the quality of beef in my taco. It tastes FANTASTIC. If you want quality, pony up the money and go to a real restaurant. Or better yet, cook your own food.

I'm begging here...stop this nonsense. Here's the deal...this lawsuit, win or lose, is going to cost Taco Bell money. They have to pay for lawyers, settlements and then advertising to fix their public image. We all know what happens next. Who is going to pay for this? Me. That's right. Next thing you know, the price of 4am tacos will go up and my late night craving will cost me extra coin. Another possibility is that they will increase the quality of their product and the price will skyrocket.

I don't want a quality taco...I want my .$99 taco just the way it is.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

10 "Must Haves" for Spring

Today's post is inspired by MamaKat 's writer's workshop prompt, "Share 10 'Must Haves' for Spring"

When I first saw this prompt, my mind immediately went to flip-flops, bikini's, ect. Yeah, yeah...who doesn't need those. The more I thought about it though, the more I decided that my "must haves" for this spring are less on the consumer side of things. The list is a bit random, but you really shouldn't expect anything else.

So here they are... My 10 "Must Haves" for Spring (in no particular order)

#1. Motivation. This winter (and recent events in my life) have killed my motivation. I always battle the winter blahs and this year has been worse. Once this craptastic weather breaks, I need to get my butt in gear and get back to living.

#2. Forgiveness. I need to forgive him and myself. I could write a book on this one thing alone.

#3. Trust. Something tells me that this isn't something that I can just pick up at the local Wal-Mart and I am guessing that it isn't something I will have by the end of Spring. However, I will start trying. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again, not completely. Not only that, but I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to trust myself again. Trust myself to make good decisions, trust myself to truly see what is in front of my face, trust myself to be able to make it as a single mom.

#4. Snuggles. Who doesn't need some good snuggling? It's one of those often taken for granted things you have in a relationship. A good movie is so much better when you have someone to lean on and cuddle with. I hear you can find this on craigslist, but that's just way too creepy. I'll stick with my puppy for now.

#5. $1 million dollars. Yeah I know, money can't buy happiness. Probably true, but in the name of science, I would really like to test this theory. No? Well this is my damn list, so shut it.

#6. Common Sense. No, not for me. I already have some. What I would like, is to have a bag full of it so I could pass it out to the hordes of people who are severely lacking it. Holy shit, they are everywhere and I really would like to have a nice spring where I don't have to deal with moronic dipshits.

#7. Sex. Don't judge me. I'm in my 30's and maybe I'm a bit bitter and jaded, but that doesn't mean I don't have a damn pulse.

#8. A clone. I've only been a single working mom for 5 months and it's hard work. I could seriously benefit from having another one of me to help with the load.

#9. Nap-time. I would love to have a 2 or 3 hour nap-time everyday. You know, one without interruptions. I could even multi-task and nap while tanning...two birds, one stone.

#10. Screw it, I'm adding flip-flops to the list. I know I said I was staying away from the typical consumer list, but I DO need a good pair of flip-flops.

Mama’s Losin’ It

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