Sunday, April 17, 2011

What Was I Thinking?

Edited to add:  I wrote this right before Mama Kat's writing workshop prompts came out and it happened to fit perfectly for the "describe a phone call" prompt.  So I'm cheating and using it for that.

This is a tough post for me, but it's something I have to do.  I need to let this all out somewhere.

First of all, here's a little background...
About 13 years ago, I was home from college for the summer.  I was heartbroken from my first taste of love.  I was a 20 year old mess.  After a long, miserable summer I had decided that I just needed to get on with life and start dating again.  That's when I met "S".  To make a long story as short as possible, I fell in love.  We had a very volatile relationship.  He drank.  A lot.  But at the time, so did I (I was in college) so it didn't seem too much of a red flag.  Ok, it was a big flashing neon sign, but I was young and desperate to be in love.  We stayed together through my years in college and then we moved back to my hometown and rented a place together and later he bought us a house there.  When he was sober, we got along great.  He was my best friend and we truly clicked.  We loved to argue have long in depth conversations.  We challenged each other.  I really loved to be around him and it didn't really matter what we were doing, we just enjoyed each other.  And then there was the drinking.  He was a mean drunk.  Not physically.  He never laid a hand on me. (although I was the only thing...there were holes in walls, broken furniture, ect)  But he would yell and scream and rant at me.  All his frustrations would get taken out on me.  In the morning, he would be sorry and 2 days later we would be back to normal.  4 days later it would happen again.  It was a vicious cycle that never ended and left me emotionally tormented.  I wasn't in a unique members of alcoholics deal with this on a daily basis.  I was stuck.  I loved him and cared about him, but I couldn't change him.  Believe me, I tried.  Finally, 6 years later, I somehow managed to leave.  I left fast and without warning.  Basically, I ran like hell and never looked back.  I stopped answering calls and wouldn't tell him where I was.  I felt like I escaped.

I jumped into a new relationship almost immediately.  I didn't mean to, but I think I knew that I would be tempted to go back and being in a new relationship kept me away from him. (I had tried leaving a few times before and always went back)   Leaving him was the hardest thing I had ever done.  I hated him for not being able to put down the bottle.  I hated myself for staying as long as I did.  I hated myself for still caring about him no matter what he dished out to me.  I hated myself for abandoning him and not being strong enough to get us both through it.  I did the only thing I was strong enough to do.  I completely blocked him and the past 6 years from my memory and thoughts and moved on like those years never existed.  I moved on.  I had a family.  I thought I was happy. 

Then shit happened.  My world fell apart

In the months that followed, I tried to find myself and put myself back together.  One night I re-read some of my old journals and came across some entries from when S and I were together.  It all started coming back to me.  In a moment of weakness, I made a mistake.  I called him.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  I don't know why I did it.  Loneliness, guilt, soul searching...I was just lost and somehow I knew that I would get some answers from him.  So we talked and talked and talked some more.  We fell right back into our friendship and banter.  He made me feel good and I realized how much I missed him.  He told me he grew up.  He told me he changed.  Told me that messing up with me was the biggest regret he had.  I knew it was possible, but unlikely.  But I'm a sucker. We went to a movie.  We texted.  We hung out.  Then, I got scared.  It was getting too comfortable and I wasn't ready.  He said he understood and hoped someday we could have a chance, but he realized that I needed my time and space.  Quite honestly, I just had some little feelings that he hadn't change as much as he led on and I am not putting myself and my daughter through that.  I just won't do it.  I felt guilty (again) though. 

That was over a month ago.  We haven't talked since.  Occasionally I get a text from him, and I have responded with short and to the point replies. 

And then my phone rang.

Last night at 10:30pm, I get a phone call from him.  I answered b/c I hadn't talked to him in awhile and it wasn't like him to call.  (texting is more his style)

He was drunk.  I should have hung up right then, but I didn't.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  I listened.  I listened to him ramble and slur and beg.  I listened to him confess that I am the only person he has ever loved.  I listened to him call me an asshole.  I basically listened to a flashback of 10 years ago.  I finally told him I couldn't listen anymore and hung up.  He called over and over and I sent the calls to voicemail.  He texted and I ignored him. 

I slept like shit. 

I hate alcoholism.  HATE it.  It has robbed him.  I know that he is an amazing person with a huge heart.  Having a relationship with an alcoholic is like being in a relationship with two different people.  One that you love and one that you hate.  You can't separate the two of them no matter how much you want to.  You can't fix it and it doesn't just go away.  I spent 6 years trying to save him from himself and I almost lost myself in the fight.  Today I'm sad and pissed off.  I'm sad that he hasn't found his way out yet.  I'm sad that he just doesn't see it and continues to self destruct.  I'm pissed that I almost got sucked back in and I'm pissed that I still care.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

What's Missing Tells More

They say that the contents of a woman's purse says a lot about her.  Mama Kat's writing prompt this week was to tell what the contents of your purse say about you.  I started to write about this and decided that it just wasn't very insightful.  The contents of my purse are pretty sparse and predictable.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the things NOT in my purse say a lot more about me.

What's missing...

1.  Tissues and Wet Wipes.  I'm a mom and I should have these things, but I don't.  What's worse is that I know I will need them and I still neglect to put them in.  I don't know clue.  For crying out loud, my mom has Wet Wipes in her purse and she doesn't even have a toddler.  Whenever I am out with my mom and my child, I have to ask her for Wet Wipes for my kid.  Fail.  Sadly, this is very typical of me.  I am just not a prepared sort of girl.  I figure that anywhere I go there is bound to be a bathroom with papertowels and water.  Maybe this is why I was a girl scout drop out.

2.  Credit Cards.  Yup, not a one.  I got myself into trouble with credit cards and I have since sliced and diced them all.  The closest thing I have is my debit card.  I'm actually pretty proud of this even though it means I have missed out on some great purchases.  I'm not good at self discipline and I am a compusive shopper, so this goes in the win category.

3.  Toys, games, ect.  Once again, I'm just not very prepared.  I know there are times when they would be nice to keep the little one occupied, but I just don't do it.  Part of it is because I just don't like having a 30 pound purse, part of it is because I am a slacker. 

4.  Medicine.  You would think I would learn to keep some Tylenol in there, but I never do.  But hey, if I get a headache I'm sure my mom has some in her purse.

5.  Makeup.  Not because I don't need it, but because I just don't have time to mess with it when I am out.  Oh, I may have some chapstick, but that is all.  I am a horse girl.  I live on the farm and don't wear make up everyday.  It's not because I am self confident, it's because I just don't have the time to care most days. 

6.  Money.  This one just sucks.

7.  A Calendar.  I used to have one, now I have my blackberry and without it I would be completely lost.  It's a little crazy how much I rely on that thing.  I'm not sure I would know any of my friends' numbers without it.  I certainly wouldn't know when or where I was supposed to be most days.  It's a crutch and I've come to terms with that.

So there you have it, I'm an unprepared slacker.  In reality, my purse has very little in it and most days I just grab my wallet and leave my purse behind.  On the other hand, I could live for a week out of what is in my has EVERYTHING stashed in it.  I don't really know what all this says about me...maybe I need to take my purse to therapy and have it's contents (or lack thereof) analyzed by a professional.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Monday, April 4, 2011

Back on the Main Land

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but I was out of town and then recovering from being out of town.  Charlie and I went to Hawaii for one of my best friend's wedding.  It was an amazing trip!  I had planned on going on this trip since it was first offered almost 9 months ago, but with all the recent events in my life I wasn't sure I would still go.  In the end, I opted to go and to take Charlie along with me.  I was worried about the long trip there and back with a 3 1/2 year old.  I don't travel much and I have only flown twice in my life...once for my senior year spring break and once for my honeymoon.  Taking a 14 hour trip across country with my daughter was a scary, yet exciting thought.

I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing.  My parents tried and tried to convince me to leave Charlie with them and go on my own, but the thought of being that far from her was paralyzing.  Not only that, but I really wanted us to have the experience together.  I was terrified, but the fear was all for nothing.  We had a fantastic time and the traveling, while somewhat never-racking, was quite smooth.  My little girl was a champ on all the flights (6 in all) and I managed to keep track of her and our luggage without losing my sanity. 

I can't even begin to describe all the amazing things that happened on our trip, but it was an experience I will never forget.  Besides, if I do forget any of it, I have a couple hundred pictures to remind me.  I won't bore you with all the flowery descriptions and details of everything we did, but I will say this...Hawaii is by far the most beautiful place I have ever been in my life.  It is the closest thing to paradise I can even imagine.  I would go back in a heartbeat (if I could afford it). 

In the end, it turned out to be a priceless experience for me.  I feel somewhat empowered by it all.  I am a newly single mom and I live very close to my friends and family.  I am lucky to have such a strong support group so close by, but sometimes it leaves me feeling dependant.  Sometimes I question my ability to be a good mom without having to constantly lean on others.  This trip made me realize that I can do things on my own and be quite competent.  Was I nervous?  SHIT YES.  Did we survive?  Of course.  Did we rock Hawaii and have a great time?  HELLS TO THE YEAH!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'm Outta Here!

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but my internet has been down.  I hope you all are doing well.  I will be on hiatus for a bit, but I promise to be back soon and post all the details! 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Mission Accomplished

# 7....completed.



Monday, March 14, 2011

Dear Charlie

* This picture really isn't this old...I just didn't set the date on my camera...dur.

One of the things I've struggled with lately is how to be honest with my daughter, yet still keep things age appropriate. It's just me and her now. I want to keep a very open relationship with her and above all I want to make sure she knows that she can trust me. I've been very careful not to lie to her about her father's death, but at the same time I haven't been completely open with her. I can't. Someday I will have to find a way to explain to her that he chose to take his own life, I just don't think that at three she is ready to understand that. I've tried to figure out how to balance it all and I've come up with a compromise of sorts. While I don't think my idea is completely original (I think I have heard bits and pieces of others with similar ideas), I still maintain that the idea is pretty kick ass.

I've always like to journal and blog, so I am going to use it to my advantage. I'm going to start a new journal. I'm calling it "Dear Charlie." I'm going to write letters to her in hopes that someday she can read them and it will give us both a starting ground to talk about all the things life throws at you. I can tell her what I am going through right I am feeling about things right now. Then, someday, when she is ready to understand, it will give her insight and remind me of how I was feeling "back then". I want to tell her about my college experiences...yes, even some of the not so proud moments, in hopes that she learns from them. And even if she doesn't learn from them, at least she will know that her mom did some really dumb things, so there isn't anything she should ever be ashamed to come to me about. I want to tell her how much she amazes me on a day basis, so that when she's older and goes through moments (hopefully short ones) of hating me, she'll have a reminder of how much I truly care. I want to write little snippets of happy or funny memories so that one day we can both look back and laugh and reminisce together.

There's another reason for all of this. I keep struggling with how I didn't really know my husband. I honestly don't know how he felt about me. I don't understand what he was going through or what he was feeling up to point where he decided that it just wasn't worth going on. It kills me. Someday my daughter is going to struggle with that too. She is going to wonder, like I do, why he didn't love us enough to stay with us. I know, I know...that's not the right way to look at it and you really can't take it that way. Right or wrong, it fucks with you just the same. I need her to know, that while I can't give her the answers to explain what was going on in her dad's head, I can leave her with undeniable proof that her mom loves her more than anything. If, God forbid, something would ever happen to me to take me from this world before my daughter is old enough to know that, I want to leave her with my words. My words letting her know just how smart, beautiful, loving and amazing she truly is. My words reminding her that I love her more than I ever knew it possible to love someone. I want to leave her with my hopes and dreams for her. I want to leave her advice in case I'm not here to give it.

I hope I have years and years to write these letters to her and I hope that one day we will get the chance to read them together. 

Sunday, March 13, 2011


How can you love someone and hate someone so much all at the same time?

How can you act so strong on the outside that everyone else believes it (even yourself most days), even though you are dying on the inside?

How can you mourn someone that betrayed you? Even though a part of you hates them, deep down you know that you still love them(and somehow you hate yourself for hating them and hate yourself for loving them...all at the same time.

How do you know who to turn to when the one person you want to talk to, need to talk to, is gone?

It's been a rough day. I've been sick for a week (hence the lack of posting). It's been almost 6 months that he's been gone. It seems like it's been a lifetime and yet it feels like it was yesterday. I was so angry at first that I couldn't cry. I was ashamed that I couldn't be sad. Now I am sad and I feel stupid to cry over someone who wronged me in so many ways. No matter what emotion I am feeling (and there are about 100 different ones a day), I feel like it is wrong. I'm all over the place. I feel torn and broken. I am turning to all the wrong things in hope of distraction from the emotions I don't know how to face. I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. If I wasn't sick I would probably go out and find someone to distract me, but I just don't have the energy. So instead I am sitting here being haunted by me.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Back Off My Taco!!

Pardon me while I bitch about stupidity for a bit. I heard about yet another lawsuit against a fast food restaurant and it really just pisses me off. We all have heard about the lady who sued McDonalds because her coffee was too hot and the more recent lawsuit over happy meals. I think these (along with a long list of others) are just ridiculous. But now people have pushed me too far. They are messing with one of my favorite late night stops.

Taco Bell

I do love me some Taco Bell.

Now my beloved source of cheap, yet oh so delicious, tacos is being sued over the quality of ingredients in their food. WTF?!?!

Basically, some douche bag well meaning citizen is suing Taco Bell because they claim that their menu items contain beef when, in reality, the beef has so many fillers that it does not meet USDA requirements. See details here.

Are you freaking kidding me? Can we all just say "DUH".

Okay, let's think rationally about this. Their menu items start at $.89 and they don't have anything priced over $3. What exactly do you expect on such a budget? Do you think that something priced so ridiculously cheap is really a quality product? Frankly, I don't care about the quality of beef in my taco. It tastes FANTASTIC. If you want quality, pony up the money and go to a real restaurant. Or better yet, cook your own food.

I'm begging here...stop this nonsense. Here's the deal...this lawsuit, win or lose, is going to cost Taco Bell money. They have to pay for lawyers, settlements and then advertising to fix their public image. We all know what happens next. Who is going to pay for this? Me. That's right. Next thing you know, the price of 4am tacos will go up and my late night craving will cost me extra coin. Another possibility is that they will increase the quality of their product and the price will skyrocket.

I don't want a quality taco...I want my .$99 taco just the way it is.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

10 "Must Haves" for Spring

Today's post is inspired by MamaKat 's writer's workshop prompt, "Share 10 'Must Haves' for Spring"

When I first saw this prompt, my mind immediately went to flip-flops, bikini's, ect. Yeah, yeah...who doesn't need those. The more I thought about it though, the more I decided that my "must haves" for this spring are less on the consumer side of things. The list is a bit random, but you really shouldn't expect anything else.

So here they are... My 10 "Must Haves" for Spring (in no particular order)

#1. Motivation. This winter (and recent events in my life) have killed my motivation. I always battle the winter blahs and this year has been worse. Once this craptastic weather breaks, I need to get my butt in gear and get back to living.

#2. Forgiveness. I need to forgive him and myself. I could write a book on this one thing alone.

#3. Trust. Something tells me that this isn't something that I can just pick up at the local Wal-Mart and I am guessing that it isn't something I will have by the end of Spring. However, I will start trying. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again, not completely. Not only that, but I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to trust myself again. Trust myself to make good decisions, trust myself to truly see what is in front of my face, trust myself to be able to make it as a single mom.

#4. Snuggles. Who doesn't need some good snuggling? It's one of those often taken for granted things you have in a relationship. A good movie is so much better when you have someone to lean on and cuddle with. I hear you can find this on craigslist, but that's just way too creepy. I'll stick with my puppy for now.

#5. $1 million dollars. Yeah I know, money can't buy happiness. Probably true, but in the name of science, I would really like to test this theory. No? Well this is my damn list, so shut it.

#6. Common Sense. No, not for me. I already have some. What I would like, is to have a bag full of it so I could pass it out to the hordes of people who are severely lacking it. Holy shit, they are everywhere and I really would like to have a nice spring where I don't have to deal with moronic dipshits.

#7. Sex. Don't judge me. I'm in my 30's and maybe I'm a bit bitter and jaded, but that doesn't mean I don't have a damn pulse.

#8. A clone. I've only been a single working mom for 5 months and it's hard work. I could seriously benefit from having another one of me to help with the load.

#9. Nap-time. I would love to have a 2 or 3 hour nap-time everyday. You know, one without interruptions. I could even multi-task and nap while tanning...two birds, one stone.

#10. Screw it, I'm adding flip-flops to the list. I know I said I was staying away from the typical consumer list, but I DO need a good pair of flip-flops.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Monday, February 28, 2011

Over-imagination and my 4:00am Visitor

I'll admit it up front...I'm kind of a chicken. I hate being alone at night. Ever since I was a little girl, I hated being alone at night. Every creak and noise caused me to freeze in my bed, terrified of what was lurking just outside my door. I never really outgrew it.

Over the past few months I have been adjusting quite well to living without another adult in the household. I have been able to sleep at night, haven't gotten scared and pretty much have started to feel a little bit like a bad ass.

Until last night.

Last night it stormed. A lot. The daughter and I drove home late from a friend's house and it was just an eerie sort of night. Lots of thunder and lightening and creepy, patchy fog. We got home a little after ten and the house was dark. I don't mind storms, but I HATE coming home to a dark house. Hate it. The wee one hates thunder more than I hate dark houses. It reduces her to a quivering, scared little mouse. Needless to say, we both ended up in my bed. Her cowering under the covers and me trying to soothe her and play protector from the angry skies.

I must have been pretty convincing because it didn't take long for her to fall asleep. I curled up beside her with a book and waited for sleep to overtake me.

It wasn't happening.

I couldn't fall asleep. I don't know if it was the change in temperature or the moisture, but my house was creaking like an eighty year old's joints. It sounded like people were walking all over outside my door. I KNEW that it was just house noises. I KNEW this. Yet for some reason, fear and irrational thought overtook me and I found myself with the covers up to my chin, eyes wide open, almost paralyzed in fear. This went on for hours. I just couldn't turn it off and even worse, the longer I lay there, the worse the fear got. So I did what any self-respecting, bad ass girl would do.

I called my daddy.

Like a 7 year old needing someone to check under the bed and in the closet. I know, pathetic right? Don't answer....I know.

But you know what? He came and everything was fine (which logically, I knew). Was he mad that I woke him up at some insane hour? Not at all. He even insisted of sleeping on my couch the rest of the night so I could get some sleep. Now granted he lives next door, so I didn't drag him from far away, but it was 4am and I am sure that it wasn't on the top of his list of things to do.

So today I am feeling a little sleep deprived, embarassed and a whole lot less like a bad ass, but I am feeling very lucky and very loved. Even so, next time I'll just leave more lights on.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Back Story

I'm not even sure where to begin. I started this blog shortly after getting married. I've talked about my hubby, his kids from his first marriage and then about the arrival of our own daughter (along with all kinds of other random stuff). Then life happened. I got busy. I got wrapped up in my life and quit blogging. I was raising three kids, working full time and trying to do all the other things in life that we all do. During that time, things got kinda rough around here. Hubby bounced from job to job. Money was tight, but there was always a wealth of stress to go around. I don't know when the marriage fell apart, but if I am brutally honest I guess the problems were there from the beginning, I just didn't want to see them. On the outside we looked like the perfect family; nice house, cute kids and oh so in love. Eh, how the mind can deceive.

Looking back there were always signs. Signs I subconsciously chose to ignore. Sometimes I feel like I was in a fantasy world where nothing was real. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl and now I just feel dumb. I mean some of the signs were BIG. In flashing neon.

Without going into more detail then you need or want to know, here's how it all played out in the end. In October 2010, I found out that hubby cheated on me. With someone I know. 10+ years our junior. I left that night with my daughter to stay with a friend. When I couldn't get a hold of him on his phone the next day, I sent my friend's hubby (also my hubby's best friend) to go talk to him. What he found was something no one should have to find.

Now I am left trying to muddle through the hand I've been dealt. It's been almost 5 months and I am starting to feel like I am coming out of the fog. Not completely, but at least it is a start. I can't explain the roller coaster of emotions I have on a daily basis. Everyone deals with loss and every one's experience is unique, but I haven't been able to find anyone who has been through something like this. I know they are out there, but I haven't come across them yet. I'd like to though.

I think I'll leave it at that for now. I just thought you should know some history to be able to fully understand upcoming posts. Don't fret though...I am not all gloom and doom. Like I said, I am starting to get my life back together. And even though a part of me feels hurt and jaded, I think I am still a glass half full kind of girl at heart. My posts are not all going to center around this event in my life. I want it to be about moving forward and finding myself again. Me as a whole and not as someone else's half. I want to post about the good stuff in life; the funny and the ridiculous; the stuff that pisses me off. (and as I venture back into the murky dating waters again, I am sure that I will have plenty of material)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Changed My Mind

Well, I was planning on starting a new blog but I spent two hours trying to come up with a name for it and got nowhere. I decided that there isn't really any reason to start over. I edited this one a bit and will just start adding to this one. What can I say? I'm lazy.

If you've been here before, you know that I am pretty random with my posts. I usually just write whatever happens to be bouncing around in my head. I MAY try to be a little more organized this time around...then again, probably not. I try to write fun or thought provoking posts and in the past I have tried not to make my posts too "diary" like. I think that may change a bit. Recent events in my life have been pretty dramatic. I've been faced with things I never thought I would experience and I think I need to share them here. I hope you will hang around and give me a chance.

Check back soon for my next post...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

New Venture

Just a quick post....

My life has been turned upside down by recent events...I am going to start a new blog very soon...I am hoping my former followers will check out the new blog as soon as I have it up and running. Check back soon for details.

Dig in...