* This picture really isn't this old...I just didn't set the date on my camera...dur.
I've always like to journal and blog, so I am going to use it to my advantage. I'm going to start a new journal. I'm calling it "Dear Charlie." I'm going to write letters to her in hopes that someday she can read them and it will give us both a starting ground to talk about all the things life throws at you. I can tell her what I am going through right now...how I am feeling about things right now. Then, someday, when she is ready to understand, it will give her insight and remind me of how I was feeling "back then". I want to tell her about my college experiences...yes, even some of the not so proud moments, in hopes that she learns from them. And even if she doesn't learn from them, at least she will know that her mom did some really dumb things, so there isn't anything she should ever be ashamed to come to me about. I want to tell her how much she amazes me on a day basis, so that when she's older and goes through moments (hopefully short ones) of hating me, she'll have a reminder of how much I truly care. I want to write little snippets of happy or funny memories so that one day we can both look back and laugh and reminisce together.
There's another reason for all of this. I keep struggling with how I didn't really know my husband. I honestly don't know how he felt about me. I don't understand what he was going through or what he was feeling up to point where he decided that it just wasn't worth going on. It kills me. Someday my daughter is going to struggle with that too. She is going to wonder, like I do, why he didn't love us enough to stay with us. I know, I know...that's not the right way to look at it and you really can't take it that way. Right or wrong, it fucks with you just the same. I need her to know, that while I can't give her the answers to explain what was going on in her dad's head, I can leave her with undeniable proof that her mom loves her more than anything. If, God forbid, something would ever happen to me to take me from this world before my daughter is old enough to know that, I want to leave her with my words. My words letting her know just how smart, beautiful, loving and amazing she truly is. My words reminding her that I love her more than I ever knew it possible to love someone. I want to leave her with my hopes and dreams for her. I want to leave her advice in case I'm not here to give it.
I hope I have years and years to write these letters to her and I hope that one day we will get the chance to read them together.
4 comments:
Oh my girl! First, thanks for your thoughtful comment over on my blog. Second, hugs to you . . . you are such a strong lady to soldier on after losing your husband. I love the idea of the letters to your daughter. I am sure that they are something that she will cherish someday!
Also, I saw on your profile that you are a fellow Ohioan! Me too! :)
I have letters to Lucci too...it really does help to put your thoughts down on paper...it will benefit you both in the long run.
For what it's worth....I think you're doing a kick ass job mama :)
Thanks guys! I am feeling much better . Most days I feel like I am coping pretty well...other days, not so much.
It's a great idea to write letters for our kids. There are some things we can't probably tell them face to face without them arguing or something, and writing letters is just one way to express our everyday thoughts on them. I've been doing that also, for the hope that someday we'll gonna have the chance to sit and read it together.:-)
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