How can you love someone and hate someone so much all at the same time?
How can you act so strong on the outside that everyone else believes it (even yourself most days), even though you are dying on the inside?
How can you mourn someone that betrayed you? Even though a part of you hates them, deep down you know that you still love them(and somehow you hate yourself for hating them and hate yourself for loving them...all at the same time.
How do you know who to turn to when the one person you want to talk to, need to talk to, is gone?
It's been a rough day. I've been sick for a week (hence the lack of posting). It's been almost 6 months that he's been gone. It seems like it's been a lifetime and yet it feels like it was yesterday. I was so angry at first that I couldn't cry. I was ashamed that I couldn't be sad. Now I am sad and I feel stupid to cry over someone who wronged me in so many ways. No matter what emotion I am feeling (and there are about 100 different ones a day), I feel like it is wrong. I'm all over the place. I feel torn and broken. I am turning to all the wrong things in hope of distraction from the emotions I don't know how to face. I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. If I wasn't sick I would probably go out and find someone to distract me, but I just don't have the energy. So instead I am sitting here being haunted by me.
5 comments:
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. But you know that this time will pass and you will keep on keeping on because that is what you have to do! And that is why we are moms.
Coming to visit after you commented on my blog. Thanks for that - I only wish I could say something to help you. I'm so sorry for your situation, and I totally understand how you feel. It makes sense to be mad. I hope you start to feel better soon.
It's those damn quiet nights and stupid 'milestones' like the 6 month mark kicking you in the face. I get it...take your time...when you're ready to get it out, your friends will be here listening..we won't let you fall. It's coming up on the start of April...the start of memories that used to haunt me until I got them out in black & white...out of my head...the scars are still there, they always will be...but I know now that I don't have to relive the memories of Aprils past alone...I already know that I've survived them...they are a part of the story that is me but it's not the ending...only a chapter or two...it's up to us to keep writing our story. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for...
Thank you everyone. I really am okay, I just have these moments when I let my guard down and get lost in the sadness. Fortunately they don't last long. Having this place to let it out helps. Thanks for listening and letting me know you guys are out there.
I am so sorry that you're going through a rough time right now. Use us as your outlet and distraction. We are all here for you. Sending you warm hugs and positive vibes.
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